UNC is such a lonely place. I don' really have any close friends. Just a few people i see once a month at most. I don't have anyone to confide in. Study with. Go to parties with. It's like everybody is emotionally blocked off. I'd just like to meet some people to hang out with.

There's almost nothing I'd rather do more than to have sex with the boy my best friend is in love with.

and he offered.

Now I just have to figure out if it's worth it to get over this compulsion.

I'm terrified of the upcoming semester.

I felt so numb last night, as if I didn't care. It's the same way I felt right before I was raped. I thought I was doing better, too.

I'm so conflicted! I want my best friend to do well, and I'm doing my best to help and encourage, but at the same time, she is my competition in the real world. I don't know if I should keep encouraging and pushing or if I should just let her set her goals a lot lower than they should be.

When I was kissing you last night, I thought about my ex and my best friend. I'm sorry. You're such a great person and I really do like you.

I think I'm in love with you. And I can't be with you because you're there and I'm here. It's getting harder every day, but I think you feel the same way. Please tell me if you do.

35,637 words (so far.)
And all of them are about you. That terrifies me.

So yes. I was lying when I said I thought 'just friends' was probably best. I'm not sure what is best for you and me, but friends isn't it.

If you read this and know it's me: wake up. that means something.

There are still marks on my arm where I cut myself. They remind me of who I was.

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