Work on your intuition. I am not, never have been, and never will be interested in you. For the past year I've avoided spending alone time with you and I've dodged your attempts to talk dirty with me. Yet somehow, this was not obvious enough for you.

I am sorry that our conversation was awkward, but I have done everything I could to ensure that you never broached the topic.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/31/09

i know we're friends, but I want to be more...

When I'm walking to class, I Play a game where I see how many people i can get to smile with my smile. I hope it makes someone's day better.

I read academic blogs every day waiting for a professor to complain about me.

I hate seeing you around campus. You just remind me of how stupid and nervous I acted when we were dating.

I'm not going to give up on you. I love you and miss you too much to do that.

I kept telling myself that I'd stay in it until you broke it off. It wasn't working, and I knew it, but I loved you so much that I left it up to you. And that's exactly what happened-- you broke it off. Now you're dating someone else and are under the impression that I'm fine: that we're friends.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/29/09

I need to stop being so mean to you. I'm just waiting for the day when you call me out on it and stop being my friend.

Until I know decisively if we have another chance or not, anyone I date is just a stand in, or a tryst. You're so far away, but I haven't given up. It's pathetic.

I freaked out a bit for several weeks after this blog was supposed to come back online and never did. I felt like I lost my connection to Carolina. I gave up after a few months and deleted the bookmark from my tabs.

Thank you for starting up again. This blog helps me get through each and every day knowing I'm not alone.

I remember nothing at all before last year. Sometimes I fear that I will completely forget my friends. So when you say "Do you remember that time in high school" ... no, I don't remember. I'm just lying when I smile and agree.

When I can't make everything all better for you, I feel like a failure, as a friend and as a person. I want everything to be perfect in your life, and somehow I feel like I should be able to give you that.

I won't date you because I'm sleeping with someone who's really good in bed.

I keep hoping, if I'm patient enough, that you'll want me again...but I don't know what my answer will be if that happens.

I don't care if it's the 21st century, that does not make it okay to make all dating communication through texts and facebook... pick up the fucking phone. K, thanks.

Dear Guys at Carolina,

I just want to tell you how fucking lucky you are. You should stop being assholes and date these hott, smart, awesome girls before you get into the real world and realize how lucky you actually were. Because honestly, you just don't have that much going for you.

I wish I had as much confidence as people think I do. I hate hiding my sexuality.

i'm worried i'll end up alone.

I still don't know what to do with all the time we used to spend gchatting.

The number of people that I can stand being around is quickly diminishing. I'm getting worried that I'll have no one to talk to in a few months.

A part of me wants to know how we can admit that we're in love with each other, yet we need to go back to "friend" mode because we just can't do the long-distance thing.

The other part of me knows exactly why and knows that it's the right decision. We can still talk, but it's not the same, and I know you feel just as horribly about the situation.

I am scared that no one will ever love me. All my friends have been getting engaged and I still haven't found anyone yet. Am I a bad friend for being depressed/slightly jealous when I go to my friend's bridal showers and when I see pictures of the happy couple? I feel horrible but it makes me wonder when my turn will come.

I fantasize about a friend in one of my classes. I don't know if there's tension between us or I have lost it completely.

I don't think the election for SBP matters. It is a popularity contest.

You are a great friend, but I am perceptive enough to know that you like me as more than friends. I can't admit that I know, because then we'd discuss it, and I would tell you that I'm just not interested. And, we would probably drift apart from the strain.

It's easier for me to just play dumb and dodge the subject, because I like the close friendship we have now, and I don't want it to change.

you are amazing and beautiful....i wish you could see it and let me in.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/27/09

i would give you THE WORLD if i could....and if you would let me.

most friends in the group i hang out with tell me their big secrets. i would never break their trust in a million years, but sometimes i think about the chaos i could cause.

None of my friends seems to need me in the way that I need them. It makes me feel like shit.

I'm trying so hard to make this situation better but neither of you care about me at all. If you did you would know that I've needed you more this year than ever before and you failed me as friends. I have to move on now. I'm sorry you won't be part of my life. I truly am sorry.

I know you broke up with me because it will never work out, but I still love you. A lot.

And yes, I'm sure there are prettier and smarter girls out there but I doubt there are any who will have the same spark with me that you have.

I can't stand my roommates right now. Everyone is either boyfriend or self-obsessed.

When you all are done being crazy pessimistic, bitches, you can come find me holed up far, far away from you all.

One of my friends is about to get really hurt, and it all depends on whether I tell one of them what the other told me.

I lied to you, but only because I know that you cannot deal with the truth. However, the more you inflate yourself and blame everything on me, the more I want to tell you what a complete ass you are.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/24/09

I don't know when I became such a hypochondriac, but it has completely consumed my life, not to mention driven away my friends, and even my family. I don't want to be paranoid all the time - I just can't help it.

Everything is falling apart. I feel so defeated.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/22/09

I'm really annoyed with all the religious speech-making on election day. I'm an atheist, I don't believe in god, and I resent that the US is being represented that way!

Today, January 20th, is the first day I've felt proud to be an American in over six years.

I got back from break and acted weird for personal reasons. Now I feel like all my friends hate me, or don't really want me around, even my best friend. I feel insecure and I don't know what to do. I can't say I blame them.

I've already decided that I won't leave a note. There are too many ways anything I say could be misinterpreted.

you don't know how much i want to call and make sure you're ok. just to hear your voice would make me feel much better. but i feel like that would hurt you more and i can't do that because it hurts me to think you're hurting.

I've never been to a frat party at Chapel Hill, not because I don't want to go to one, but because I've never been invited.

If they needed me to stop the rain from falling, I would try and find a way. But I feel like I pushed the people I love the most in this world away from me and it scares me. Because I feel like I deserve to be alone. That's the way it's been my whole life, why would it change now?

For 8 months, I thought I was having your baby. That is the real reason I never called you - I didn't want you to have anything else to worry about since you were already going through a difficult time.

Now, I wouldn't change anything about my life - except I wish that we were still close friends.

Sometimes, you bore the heck out of me. I don't even know why you thought you had a crush on me, because we're totally wrong for each other. You have no interest in partying. I don't want to be with people who don't have a healthy sense of adventure. I'm surprised you don't see the disconnect.

But whatever. You're not a bad person because of your choices. You just don't understand that we don't... fit. I'm sure you'll find a nice, quiet, conservative boy to make you happy. In the meantime, when we do hang out, please leave your superiority complex at home.

I know you'll probably never read this, but I am so worried I am going to become less and less important in your life. Logically I know that's probably not ever going to be true, but I am terrified it will happen. I just fear losing the people I care most about because I don't know what I'd do without them.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/18/09

I know you'll probably never read this, but I am so worried I am going to become less and less important in your life. Logically I know that's probably not ever going to be true, but I am terrified it will happen. I just fear losing the people I care most about because I don't know what I'd do without them.

You are TERRIBLE at your job, and I wish that other people would realize it.

I think Global Warming is a scam and is perpetuated by liberals, the media, and the environmental lobby. Not to start a political debate... but that's just what I think.

Your personality is amazing, and I've never met someone who actually listened to me like you do. I don't know whats wrong with me - but I'm just not physically attracted to you.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/17/09

The winter makes me lonely.

I unfriended my ex on Facebook because I can't stand looking at his new relationship status... and the picture of him with his new girlfriend.

I'm considering pretending to have plans of my own this weekend, just so you won't feel sorry for me anymore.

Having "casual sex" with you was exactly what I needed to get over my ex. Thanks.

I found a twenty-dollar bill lying on the ground while I was walking home alone at 1 a.m. on a Thursday night.

I would have traded it and a hundred more for friends who cared more about me not getting raped or mugged than they did about card games and that extra half hour with their significant others.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/16/09

I have no desire to travel. There, I said it. Take pictures of the world for me.

I worry that I'm losing my ambition. There's so much that I used to want to do, and now whenever I think about it, it doesn't seem as appealing anymore.

I can't stop you from loving her, but if I could... well, I wouldn't because I just imagine what it'd be like to be her. But I wish that you'd choose me.

I'm terrified of you breaking my heart.

Every post I read here that involves cheating makes me lose faith in humanity and to be able to find a girl that wouldn't do that to me.
It does not matter if you feel guilty or not, just don't do it.

I have never gone out on a date in CH.

I peed on a campus bush, once. Some gardeners saw and pointed at me. I waved back.

There are days when I really wish we could all make it blatantly obvious whether we're single or taken. That way I wouldn't have to wonder which of the cute guys in my English class to flirt with.

And that way they'd know to flirt with me.

Meeting your girlfriend just made me want you more.

From the time I get home to the time I got to sleep, the only thing I can think of is drinking. All I want to do is drink. Sometimes I do, and when I don't, I wish that I were drinking.

I saw my ex tonight, and while I may seem fine with seeing him, on the inside I was SCREAMING. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. Does he really not know how much it kills me that he has moved on?

I wish for once the stars would align and I'd for once be satisfied with my romantic situation.

I wish was able to forget my past and just start today as though it were day 1.

I'm finally starting to feel whole again, like I'm not angry and jaded and unreasonable in my world view like I was right after I found out you'd been cheating on me all that time. But I still have the same cynical opinions about the world as you inspired in me then. I guess I'm just getting used to being unable to trust.

Whenever I meet a cute boy, I have to look up our Zodiac love compatibility.

I'm not sure I actually believe the stuff, but it hasn't been wrong yet.

Yes, i was hitting on you. Yes I do know you're gay, and yes I am too. I'm just too scared to say it, so give me a reason not to be, please.

I cannot go one day without a cigarette. Well, I can, but if I don't have one I get really grouchy. I try not to admit this to anyone.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/14/09

We couldn't be more incompatible, so why do I still try?

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/12/09

Return my goddamn phonecalls, asshole. It's getting annoying.

I feel so alone. I'm getting sick of my good friends, and I don't know of who else to talk to.

I know how I feel about you and how you feel about me. Yet all of a sudden, I'm pulling away again. It's probably because I've realized that we're not going to be together for a long time, and I don't want to deal with that. But I still love you, and probably always will.

I moved in with my friend at the beginning of this month, and I can already tell it's going to destroy our friendship.

She shuts herself in the room all day, doesn't speak to me for hours, and has completely monopolized the internet and cable, leaving me to post this using someone else's internet. Additionally, she seems to think it's MY job to report any maintenance issues to the office, even though her inconsiderateness has caused me to avoid the place when I can.

It's going to be a LOOOOOONG 8 months.

I wish you wouldn't keep ten feet away from me as if I had leprosy. It doesn't hurt that you don't feel about me the way that I feel about you. I'm an adult. I can handle rejection. What hurts is that you seem to be terrified of me, now that the truth is out.

I'm not here to cause you pain. You face enough stress as it is. But please don't insult me by acting as if I'm a crazy nympho who'll jump you without warning. I thought you knew me better than that.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/11/09

We broke up before break. I will not enjoy seeing you around next semester, but I'll pretend everything is fine.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/10/09

It makes me feel like I'm in middle school again but I'm jealous of my roommates' friendship. I hate being left out and I don't understand why they don't like me anymore.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/9/09

So you want to know the real reason I never wear my hair down?

It has nothing to do with the fact that I'm lazy or anything like that.

It has to do with the fact that I have trichotillomania. Which means that I pull my hair out and have since developed a bald spot.

Now you know. Well kind of.

I think I changed over break. I'm coming back better, faster, stronger, and smarter. I hope my friends notice.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm just not physically attractive. I've gotten uglier since high school.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/8/09

Im pretty much only your friend because I feel bad for you.

My roommate's relationship with her boyfriend has made me understand why women remain in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. How does she still live in denial?

I've developed an aversion to anything cream-based because I'm obsessed with not gaining weight.

I'm really happy that I've found a new group of friends because my other ones were stifling me.

I'm not worried about the future because I know we'll end up together eventually.

I'm one semester away from graduating, and I'm beginning to wonder whether I made a terrible mistake in my choice of major.

I am really worried about my decisions recently. I either don't think at all and act really rashly and end up regretting it, or I think too much and then don't do anything, also regretting it.

It's as if I can't do anything right.

I love my boyfriend, but I can't stop texting my newly single ex...I know it can't end well but I can't stop myself.

Everyone knows how much I despise Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers, but I actually like some of their songs and listen to them in private.

I often wonder if you would believe me were I to tell you that your life is easier due to the fact that you are not a woman.

Ironically, I'll bet you would try to tell me that I was being sexist.

You broke my best friend's heart a year ago. I hope you're not falling for me now. I could never reciprocate.

Comment here to submit a secret 1/7/09

You used to be my TA, but you haven't controlled my grades in more than two and a half years. Can we please stop playing games and just have sex already? I need to stop agonizing over you and wondering when you'll call me next (and please don't make it 3 a.m. again)!

I'm confident that no one will love me for me. I'm not enough.

I've been lying to everyone in the world for years, and I don't even know why. Some of the lies I have repeated so often that even I believe they're true. Even my best friends don't know me.

But I probably won't stop, since I have appearances to keep up!

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/6/09

The reason I don't like you playing with my hair is because it's a wig.

My best friend made my study abroad experience worse. What's more, now we can't seem to go back to "normal" she's so damn cynical. Part of me wants to shove her away, far away, but the other part knows how much I really do love her and love her being in my life.

I hate that I'm too liberal for my friends from home but not liberal enough for my friends at UNC. I can't seem to convince either group that I'm happy being in the middle and that there's nothing wrong with it either.

Girls, give guys a chase. They will treat you better. I promise.

I wish you would goddamn talk when you're angry - especially when I specifically ask you if you are. At that point, there's nothing more I can do.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/5/09

I called you so many times tonight to tell you that I loved you but you didn't pick up the phone.

i thought we would be together forever, but i guess that isn't going to be the case. i still can't believe that it's over after almost 3 years..and i hate society and the way it has made being in love with someone of the same gender such a horrible thing. i still love you and always will... and i still hope you change your mind and realize what you're giving up on.

I can't tell if I like my best friend, or if it's only because I'm lonely.

In any case, I can't see it ending well.

I want to scream. Stop using me as an example of how you've failed at relationships.

you mean more to me than you can ever possibly imagine...

I am seriously thinking about dropping out of college to become a chocolatier.

What am I doing wrong? I wake up each morning and put on my makeup. People tell me I look pretty, but why believe them? I've had one boyfriend my entire life and I'm 19 now. What am I doing wrong?
I think I'll go have a cookie.

I haven't felt like a person in years. I feel like an object, and college didn't help any. I just don't want to feel empty anymore. I really am a good guy.

I cheated over the break. I'm sorry; I will never repeat that mistake-- nor tell you about it.

You call her your "penguin"? I tell everyone I'm happy for you but a small part of me is dying on the inside.

UNC is such a lonely place. I don' really have any close friends. Just a few people i see once a month at most. I don't have anyone to confide in. Study with. Go to parties with. It's like everybody is emotionally blocked off. I'd just like to meet some people to hang out with.

There's almost nothing I'd rather do more than to have sex with the boy my best friend is in love with.

and he offered.

Now I just have to figure out if it's worth it to get over this compulsion.

I'm terrified of the upcoming semester.

I felt so numb last night, as if I didn't care. It's the same way I felt right before I was raped. I thought I was doing better, too.

I'm so conflicted! I want my best friend to do well, and I'm doing my best to help and encourage, but at the same time, she is my competition in the real world. I don't know if I should keep encouraging and pushing or if I should just let her set her goals a lot lower than they should be.

When I was kissing you last night, I thought about my ex and my best friend. I'm sorry. You're such a great person and I really do like you.

I think I'm in love with you. And I can't be with you because you're there and I'm here. It's getting harder every day, but I think you feel the same way. Please tell me if you do.

35,637 words (so far.)
And all of them are about you. That terrifies me.

So yes. I was lying when I said I thought 'just friends' was probably best. I'm not sure what is best for you and me, but friends isn't it.

If you read this and know it's me: wake up. that means something.

There are still marks on my arm where I cut myself. They remind me of who I was.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/1/09