When friends/people/anyone see me on campus, they think I have this great life because I flash my perfect smile but secretly I want to get hit by a car and just die to get away from everything that's wrong with my life...

I would never have had sex if I wasn't so sick of the stigma associated with being a virgin. I hated how that'd come up whenever people talked about sex, the way their views of me seemed to change having learned that I was a virgin, the way they'd talk about how much they "respected" that but treated me differently anyway, as if it was a religious or moral thing, when I'm one of the least "religious" people I know. I reget that I let others' decisions have such a big impact on what I decided to do with my body, and because of that, I consider myself somewhat of a born again virgin, though yet again, ithas nothing to do with religion. I haven't had sex in a year, because I haven't felt like it, haven't felt comfortable with it, and if I could do it over again, I wouldn't have had sex at all.

Here at this school, where so many people succeed and are just brilliant and amazing and talented; I feel so lucky to be here, surrounded by such awesomeness. 

I ask myself: 
How did I get here? I am not worthy of this school. 

Why am I here? 

And why haven't I quit yet when the thought crosses my mind every morning before I head for breakfast, and every evening when I finish classes feeling like I failed, once again, to show this school I have some, if not a minuscule amount of talent.

i think i'm developing an eating disorder.

and no one is noticing the pounds that are melting off. it's pissing me off, and making me want to work that much harder at it.

i know it's wrong, but i'm so tired of being an average girl at a campus filled with pretty girls.

I'm a virgin, but you would never know it--I guess I don't fit into the stereotype portrayed by today's society.
Most of my friends don't even know. It's not that I'm ashamed, it's just that I think people assume I'm not, and it's not their business--after all, I don't go around asking every single friend how many people they've slept with.

I always think I am the worst at everything-but others think that I have such a great life.

I like going to Davis. Especially at night and when no one else is there. It's like walking into a cathedral.

I get both really scared and really turned on by thunderstorms.

because you hooked up with my suitemate, i don't think we could ever be together. or at least i've been trying to tell myself that. but i know in the end i would give you up in a heartbeat if she said she wanted you.

i wish i was someone who would fight for what i want. but not even you can make me be like that.

i'm slowly beginning to realize i'm trying to fit in with a group of people with whom i do not belong. its not their fault, its not my fault. i'm simply not the person i thought i was or wanted to be.

When he died, there was nowhere I could go to cry. I went to class, and that night I sat on the steps of Carroll and wept.

I always notice certain other people walking around campus, and I think about how interesting they seem, and how I wish I had the courage to go and say hello. I worry that no one sees me that way, that I drift about this school unnoticed by strangers.

Comment here to submit a secret 3/29/08