UNC is such a lonely place. I don' really have any close friends. Just a few people i see once a month at most. I don't have anyone to confide in. Study with. Go to parties with. It's like everybody is emotionally blocked off. I'd just like to meet some people to hang out with.

There's almost nothing I'd rather do more than to have sex with the boy my best friend is in love with.

and he offered.

Now I just have to figure out if it's worth it to get over this compulsion.

I'm terrified of the upcoming semester.

I felt so numb last night, as if I didn't care. It's the same way I felt right before I was raped. I thought I was doing better, too.

I'm so conflicted! I want my best friend to do well, and I'm doing my best to help and encourage, but at the same time, she is my competition in the real world. I don't know if I should keep encouraging and pushing or if I should just let her set her goals a lot lower than they should be.

When I was kissing you last night, I thought about my ex and my best friend. I'm sorry. You're such a great person and I really do like you.

I think I'm in love with you. And I can't be with you because you're there and I'm here. It's getting harder every day, but I think you feel the same way. Please tell me if you do.

35,637 words (so far.)
And all of them are about you. That terrifies me.

So yes. I was lying when I said I thought 'just friends' was probably best. I'm not sure what is best for you and me, but friends isn't it.

If you read this and know it's me: wake up. that means something.

There are still marks on my arm where I cut myself. They remind me of who I was.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 1/1/09

Despite everything--you cheating on me, the lies, leaving me, telling me you never would, making a fool out of me in front of everyone I know, stealing my friends, destroying my mental stability, making me afraid to ever love again--despite all that, if you were to come back to me today, I'm not sure I'd be able to say anything but "Yes."

I never know if she means it or if she's just trying to hurt us when my mother threatens suicide.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 12/31/08

My brother's an alcoholic.

I'm worried that I'll become one, too.

When I get dressed up to go out and feel really good about myself, I feel invincible. I want to have a good time with my friends, have a drink, and laugh. Why does a woman enjoying herself immediately translate to "Please hit on me. I desperately want it." ?

A part of me likes the attention. But when you're leering at my ass and breasts, you're just being creepy. So stop it.

I hate myself for saying "I love you" back. I don't know if you ever meant it, and I still don't know if I meant it or not. I don't know if love is anything more than lust.

I hate that I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone anymore. If you could leave me without any warning, when I thought things were so good, then why wouldn't it happen again?

Most days, I am glad we don't talk anymore, and I never want to see you again. Ever. I'm not sure what I would do if I saw you -- I think I would burst into tears. It's easier pretending you don't exist. Most days...

Most of all, I hate that I still love you, after everything we said and did to hurt each other.

Comment Here to Submit a Secret 12/30/08

I will never have a successful romantic relationship. Once the people I've dated have gotten past my veneer, they fade away. I guess the real me isn't very appealing.

I realized that I only have three real friends at UNC. They're the only ones I'll miss when I'm gone, and I couldn't be happier that I've found such quality friends.

I'm scared of telling my parents that I'm depressed because I don't want to go on medication. I just can't remember the last time I was happy.