Tuesday, June 10, 2008
That's the first time I've ever felt like it was the other person's privilege to be with me. Like how I imagine beautiful people feel when they have sex with someone they know i uglier than them. But it's not because I'm more attractive. It's because I'm so much more beautiful than him on the inside.
i had the most amazing day yesterday. the most awesome things happened that i didn't even think were possible.
and at the end of the day even though i felt lucky about my life and that everything was so surreal...i felt unhappy and all of the negative things about myself even stronger than usual. why can't i just be happy?
and at the end of the day even though i felt lucky about my life and that everything was so surreal...i felt unhappy and all of the negative things about myself even stronger than usual. why can't i just be happy?
I bumped into you today, and it will probably be the last time we ever see each other.
After all we've been through and meant to each other over the past 7 years, you couldn't even get up out of your chair to hug me goodbye?
It makes me wonder if I ever really meant anything to you at all. And that really hurts because even though I've moved on, a part of me will always love you.
After all we've been through and meant to each other over the past 7 years, you couldn't even get up out of your chair to hug me goodbye?
It makes me wonder if I ever really meant anything to you at all. And that really hurts because even though I've moved on, a part of me will always love you.
Monday, June 9, 2008
I was just sitting and having a conversation with a friend that I hadn't seen in a while. I think that you are such a bitch for telling him what I did last year with the guy you are now dating.
Everyone sees you as this perfect, caring person, when you acted without knowing anything about the situation, and least of all, me. Oh, and not to mention, you weren't even dating at the time. I have spent the past year trying as hard as I can to forget what happened, because I know I can't forgive myself for it.
I hope your relationship ends soon, and I hope it's because he does what he did with me with someone else.
Everyone sees you as this perfect, caring person, when you acted without knowing anything about the situation, and least of all, me. Oh, and not to mention, you weren't even dating at the time. I have spent the past year trying as hard as I can to forget what happened, because I know I can't forgive myself for it.
I hope your relationship ends soon, and I hope it's because he does what he did with me with someone else.
Its been a month since I have graduated and I feel like all of my "friends" have forgotten about me. No calls, no messages, no emails. I feel used. I guess because we aren't all on campus anymore and don't see each other on a regular basis, you have no need for me anymore. I guess I wasn't fortunate enough to have true friends who keep in touch no matter where we all are!
Sometimes, I have all of these ideas and dreams and goals, and I feel completely confident that I can and will do all of them.
Other times, like right now, I wonder how real that actually is and realize I can't really see myself doing that stuff at all. I think that if something really bad were to happen to me, it would save me a lot of grief because people would remember me the way I am now, and before I end up failing everyone.
Other times, like right now, I wonder how real that actually is and realize I can't really see myself doing that stuff at all. I think that if something really bad were to happen to me, it would save me a lot of grief because people would remember me the way I am now, and before I end up failing everyone.
I'm glad you're moving to Charlotte, it's such a great opportunity. You hate your job, and the new one will give you better pay, benefits (which you currently lack), better hours, more respect, more freedom, a better office, you'll be closer to your family...it's just so perfect for you. But when I found out that you want to break up when you move because you "can't do long distance", it made me wish I hadn't pushed so hard for you to find a better job. Is it terrible that I can't decide between you having a job that makes you miserable, but I get to be with you, or you having the perfect job, and I have to let you go.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
I came out as a bisexual during my sophomore year when I was working with a UNC theater production. When the actors did not believe I was bisexual, I went back into the closet. The only other person I have ever confessed my bisexuality to (offline) was my mother and she still has not believed me to this day.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
I wake up every morning and wonder why I hurt so bad, even though I have the power to help others so well. I was called just the other the day kindest person someone knew, but I have no one to come to with my own problems, except this site. Holding the weight of the world on your shoulders, your back is bound to tire out I suppose...
Friday, June 6, 2008
So even though my friends are certain that you like me (you behave like you do when we're alone) and when you talk to me you always bring up amazing plans to do fun things when school starts back up, I still wonder how a confident 'bad ass' like you could handle and maintain a relationship. I have some hope though, you match my wit and throw it back at me and when I act cocky or 'hostile' you just laugh and tease me back into my normal sweet behavior. Also you love my country accent and I love being able to be my old country girl self around you.
now that you no longer trust me and confide in me with all your secrets, it seems like a quarter of these are from you. and it breaks my heart, i never tried to abandon you, but you felt that way, and so im scared you will never allow us to be like we were - the closest that partners could ever be, sharing everything, and holding each through every tough time.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Songs are great. They allow me to sing my secret...and yet still keep it a secret.
"My friends say-
They’re proud of me-
For taking our break up-
So casually-
But they don’t see-
What lies beneath my smile-
It appears-
That I’m okay-
That I moved on-
When you walked away-
But the truth is-
Since you said goodbye-
I’m invisibly shaken-
And quietly breakin’-
Desperately takin’ one breath at a time-
Beneath this composure-
I know it’s over-
Baby I’m dying cause you can’t be mine-
But I will never show the toll it’s taken-
Cause I’m invisibly shaken-"
"My friends say-
They’re proud of me-
For taking our break up-
So casually-
But they don’t see-
What lies beneath my smile-
It appears-
That I’m okay-
That I moved on-
When you walked away-
But the truth is-
Since you said goodbye-
I’m invisibly shaken-
And quietly breakin’-
Desperately takin’ one breath at a time-
Beneath this composure-
I know it’s over-
Baby I’m dying cause you can’t be mine-
But I will never show the toll it’s taken-
Cause I’m invisibly shaken-"
For the first time I'm in a relationship and have no inkling of a feeling to wonder what it would be like with someone else. No other crushes, I don't even look at the others on the street and fantasize about them. I can only think about YOU. I love the feeling, but at the same time it scares me - could you really be the one I've been waiting for? We have a long and hard road ahead of us...I guess we'll see.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I don't know whether you're deceiving me again or not. I'm scared to get close to you again because if you were to do what you did before, it would absolutely crush me. I know that if you hadn't lied so many times before, I wouldn't be worried about this at all, but now I seriously have questions about your morality and it's hurting my ability to let you be my friend. The only way I know of protecting myself from you is to shut myself off from you emotionally.
Please, please, please don't hurt me again.
Please, please, please don't hurt me again.
I'm friends with a girl who is perfect for me. she's beautiful, nice, funny, and smart. but unfortunately she has a boyfriend, and it's not me, but it could have been had I not missed my chance. I really suck at initiating those things and that is part of the reason I am leaving after the summer and not returning.
Monday, June 2, 2008
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