Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Two years ago, a girl accused me of getting her pregnant. Not knowing what to do, and respecting her decision to keep the child, I asked her to marry me.
It turned out that she wasn't pregnant, and never had been.
So when you wonder why I'm distant and fear commitment, it's because the biggest commitment of my life was based upon a lie.
It turned out that she wasn't pregnant, and never had been.
So when you wonder why I'm distant and fear commitment, it's because the biggest commitment of my life was based upon a lie.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Last year, I had everything one needs to be truly happy - then I took on an internship over the summer, ended up by myself with no friends or companions (not for lack of trying), and spent every day in isolation.
It showed me that the mental strength I thought I had was a farce, and the resulting depression from acute loneliness fundamentally changed me as a person.
Then this year happened, and I lost it all - love, friendship, and everything that I thought defined me as a good person.
And so I sit on my bed, at home this summer. But life is cruel - though I'm now at the place I would've given my all to be last summer, I'm lonelier and more in need of a hug and a reassurance from a friend than I ever have been.
And I have no one here.
It showed me that the mental strength I thought I had was a farce, and the resulting depression from acute loneliness fundamentally changed me as a person.
Then this year happened, and I lost it all - love, friendship, and everything that I thought defined me as a good person.
And so I sit on my bed, at home this summer. But life is cruel - though I'm now at the place I would've given my all to be last summer, I'm lonelier and more in need of a hug and a reassurance from a friend than I ever have been.
And I have no one here.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Part of me is still in love with my ex-boyfriend from years ago. Most of me is in love with my current boyfriend. Why, no matter how hard I try or no matter the length of time separating our relationship, does that part of me still exist?
No one understands why I still love him. He knows me better than anyone. But why can't I forget him? Why can I still feel his lips on mine? Why do I still, on sleepless nights such as these, finally find peace imagining his arms around me? Why can't I be satisfied?
I love my boyfriend. I do. How do I stop these thoughts? I don't know how much longer I can take it. This part of my heart, although relatively small, dominates my thoughts. But, why?
No one understands why I still love him. He knows me better than anyone. But why can't I forget him? Why can I still feel his lips on mine? Why do I still, on sleepless nights such as these, finally find peace imagining his arms around me? Why can't I be satisfied?
I love my boyfriend. I do. How do I stop these thoughts? I don't know how much longer I can take it. This part of my heart, although relatively small, dominates my thoughts. But, why?
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