From the Moderators

Thank you for sharing your secrets.

The reaction to this blog in such a short time has been overwhelming and gratifying. Not only have the posts been eye-opening, but your comments have added so much to what this project is starting to become. 

We do request that when you submit a secret, however, that you try to be concise. We have been getting several posts that, while as touching and fascinating as any of the others, probably already have CliffsNotes for sale at your friendly neighborhood amazon.com. Ideally, your secret will be between one sentence and two (short) paragraphs long. While we so appreciate your choice to participate in this project, for the sake of those reading the secrets (and us who moderate them), brevity is preferable.

If your secret has not been posted and you suspect length was the reason, please feel free to shorten it and submit again.

(This post, for instance, might serve as an example of what not to do.)

I'm fucking awesome.

I love my family, but everytime they come to visit, they never fail to remind me of how I'm not living up to my potential as a student, of how fat I've become, and my many other shortcomings. So, I've rebelled and gained more weight, and became careless about my schoolwork.

i like big butts and i cannot lie...

no, seriously. i have a thing for HUGE asses, especially on white girls. my girlfriend's is really small, though, which kind of sucks.

i never wear underwear if i can avoid it...

The first time I stayed with you, we didn't have sex because both of us said we weren't the one night stand type. That was 2 months ago and I've stayed at least once a week since but I think you're too afraid to bring it up again. It's ok; this is obviously more than just hooking up. I'm attached and I think you are too.

I didn't give you my number just because I felt your phone book could use a new number.

I gave it to you because I want you to call me.

I know that more than likely you're going to cancel tonight.

-but even though I tell myself (and everyone else) that I'm okay with that because I don't expect anything from you anyway... I'm still disappointed.

I don't think you realize how much your friendship means to me, but you bring out the best in me. When I'm around you, I am myself at my happiest, my kindest, my cleverest, my funniest (those kind of stop looking like real words all strung together like that, huh?), my most comfortable and my most engaged in the world around me. I know I'm not the only person who feels like this around you, and I'd feel awkward telling you in person, but if you read this and you think that there's no way this could possibly ever ever be about you -- it is.

I hate the feeling that no matter where I go or who I'm with, there is someone prettier, smarter, more funny or "cooler" than I am. I feel so fuckin inadequate.

I could see myself falling in love with you one day, but last night you spilled all your past secrets and mistakes, and now I don't know if I could ever trust you.

I'm putting on a smile for you and I may even get a new girl one of these days (eventually), but I'll probably never stop hoping that you'll change your mind someday and want what we had back.

The next two years are going to be very long.

I trusted you; I was in love with you; we dated for 2 years. Then I had sex with you ... which wasn't a problem until a month later when I found out I got an STD from you... after we broke up.

I was the "good girl." The one who waited for love. The one who had only kissed before my relationship with you. And this is what I get for it. A lifetime of taking medicine and worrying, wondering if anyone will ever stay with me once they find out. Why should I ever expect them to? I don't think I would have.

I won't be like you and not tell them - I won't make them go through the misery, confusion, and pain. OWN UP to it. Don't ruin someone else's love life, too.

I didn't stop liking you. I didn't get too busy. I was falling in love with you and I had to distance myself. Your relationship with her is perfect and I would never forgive myself if I was the cause of it ending.

I just want to lay next to you, and forget about how horrible things have been lately. I want so badly for things to be the way they could have been.

Comment here to submit a secret 3/30/08

I really can't stand you. I think that you are one of the most ignorant, vapid, self-absorbed individuals I have ever met in my entire life.
I think that you carry an incredible amount of insecurity in your heart, and your attempts to mask that with false-confidence fail miserably.
I think that everyone can see through you, and I think that you try so hard it's disgusting.

But what unnerves me the most is that YOU talk down to ME like I have no direction or sense of moral consciousness in my life- when in fact, I feel that YOU, more than anyone else that I know, needs guidance and direction and a more concrete sense of who you are and what you are looking for.

...but I'll be nice because you live next door and you're "one of my friends".

...and I know that saying this to you would accomplish nothing, as I sincerely believe that you don't have the capacity to understand or acknowledge your own shortcomings.

When friends/people/anyone see me on campus, they think I have this great life because I flash my perfect smile but secretly I want to get hit by a car and just die to get away from everything that's wrong with my life...

I would never have had sex if I wasn't so sick of the stigma associated with being a virgin. I hated how that'd come up whenever people talked about sex, the way their views of me seemed to change having learned that I was a virgin, the way they'd talk about how much they "respected" that but treated me differently anyway, as if it was a religious or moral thing, when I'm one of the least "religious" people I know. I reget that I let others' decisions have such a big impact on what I decided to do with my body, and because of that, I consider myself somewhat of a born again virgin, though yet again, ithas nothing to do with religion. I haven't had sex in a year, because I haven't felt like it, haven't felt comfortable with it, and if I could do it over again, I wouldn't have had sex at all.

Here at this school, where so many people succeed and are just brilliant and amazing and talented; I feel so lucky to be here, surrounded by such awesomeness. 

I ask myself: 
How did I get here? I am not worthy of this school. 

Why am I here? 

And why haven't I quit yet when the thought crosses my mind every morning before I head for breakfast, and every evening when I finish classes feeling like I failed, once again, to show this school I have some, if not a minuscule amount of talent.

i think i'm developing an eating disorder.

and no one is noticing the pounds that are melting off. it's pissing me off, and making me want to work that much harder at it.

i know it's wrong, but i'm so tired of being an average girl at a campus filled with pretty girls.

I'm a virgin, but you would never know it--I guess I don't fit into the stereotype portrayed by today's society.
Most of my friends don't even know. It's not that I'm ashamed, it's just that I think people assume I'm not, and it's not their business--after all, I don't go around asking every single friend how many people they've slept with.

I always think I am the worst at everything-but others think that I have such a great life.

I like going to Davis. Especially at night and when no one else is there. It's like walking into a cathedral.

I get both really scared and really turned on by thunderstorms.

because you hooked up with my suitemate, i don't think we could ever be together. or at least i've been trying to tell myself that. but i know in the end i would give you up in a heartbeat if she said she wanted you.

i wish i was someone who would fight for what i want. but not even you can make me be like that.

i'm slowly beginning to realize i'm trying to fit in with a group of people with whom i do not belong. its not their fault, its not my fault. i'm simply not the person i thought i was or wanted to be.

When he died, there was nowhere I could go to cry. I went to class, and that night I sat on the steps of Carroll and wept.

I always notice certain other people walking around campus, and I think about how interesting they seem, and how I wish I had the courage to go and say hello. I worry that no one sees me that way, that I drift about this school unnoticed by strangers.

Comment here to submit a secret 3/29/08

I'm attracted to a man 30 years older than I am. With a sick wife. With a son older than I am.
Dammit.

I've always struggled with my weight, and I worry that one day I'll just give up...and end up morbidly obese like my mom.

When you leave dishes in the sink, they don't clean themselves. You're not living with your parents anymore, so grow up and stop leaving things to rot in our kitchen.

Every time I'm around you I look, sound, and feel like an idiot. You suck the confidence right out of me, you make me feel like dirt, you make me think I'm a worthless, inferior, stupid girl instead of the true woman that I am. I used to love you, but now I hate the way I feel- the person I am- when I'm around you.

And the fact that I can say this here, where you can't hear me, but could never say it to your face, makes me feel even worse.

Yes, we peed outside of Ram's Gym. And yes, we felt so much better afterwards... :)

It's been 3 years and I've finally admitted to myself why I haven't been in another relationship. I hope this means I can start to really move on, because I'm tired of being lonely. And I don't deserve this just because you were an insensitive jackass. (As it turns out, it really was you and not me.)

I know you know who I am. I've been in love with you for almost three years. I take the long way to class in hopes of running into you and exchanging one of those mutual knowing looks. I wish I could work up the nerve to talk to you, I'm just waiting for you to talk to me first.

Comment here to submit a secret 3/28/08

I see people all the time and I say to myself, "It would be so cool to be friends with them." But it never works out. I really don't have that many friends. No one believes me.

I talk to myself all the time. I could call people on the phone or hang out with the few friends and talk to them, but I have nothing to say to them. But when I am talking to myself with the characters I have devised for my works, I am at home and at peace. I don't think I will ever hold a conversation with a tangible human being that is as enlivening as the ones I have with myself.

You and I have been plays together since freshman year. One to three each year. I'm surprised you don't realize how much I like you. You're a girl who I feel, like me, writes yourself off as "single". Let's find each other

I would be totally mortified if anyone knew that I was this racist, but I think stereotypically "black" names (Deandrae, LaKayeisha, Treyshawn, etc.) are really f'ing stupid (I'm white). I feel really bad about it, though!

i'm obsessed with looking at other girls' vaginas (in pictures), because i'm worried mine is ugly.

it took me half a year before i could admit to myself i was sexual assaulted. and i was able to move past that because of you. thank you for being there for me without really knowing what you were there for.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to be alone forever. It worries me more, though, that that's what people think of me.

Sometimes I really think it would be better to kill myself than be about to graduate.

I wake up every day and go to classes, eat lunch and attend my plethora of extracurricular meetings, all the while laughing and making jokes, and yet, inside, nothing really makes me happy anymore. It's nice hanging out with my friends and all, and I still take pride in my hobbies when I have time for them, but my entire life is scheduled, and people depend on me to get everything done for my groups. I can't just take a break, and even when I have free time I just stress about the next thing I have coming up to do. Hell, I'm not even in that many classes this semester and I'm floundering. There have been a couple times this semester where I thought about just leaving school, or worse. I realize how stupid it is, but I feel like I need a way out.

I just want things to go back to the way they used to be when I was happy in a relationship and without all this bullcrap work to do. It'd be nice to have someone again.

Comment here to submit a secret 3/27/08

That time me and you kinda hooked up in a public bathroom. I stopped you and you thought I was being chivalrous. Well, I just wanted it to be different. The things I want to do to you don't belong there. But if I had it to do over, I wouldn't have stopped you.

I love the members of my Christian group on campus and I go all the time....but I'm agnostic.

You do understand I liked him, right? And then you went and used him and tossed him aside. I really hate you for that. He was too nice to be made one of your meaningless "conquests". And it really hurt when you said that I can have him now that you're done.

I still loved you, but the sex made me feel ashamed.

Every time you open your mouth to speak, I consider offering you monetary compensation to SHUT UP -- your voice is that annoying.

I don't hate him because he's an asshole, I hate him because I had sex with him and am ashamed.

Everyone say that it was a bad idea getting involved with you, but I let myself fall for you, and now I am too scared to admit that I might be in over my head.

When we had sex last night, I was picturing my best friend, not you.

When I know that no one's listening, I listen to Avril Lavigne...and like it.

I'm not in love with you anymore but I'm too afraid to tell you.

I hate seeing "edited their profile" in your minifeed, to look and see you've added another movie, band, or author of mine, ones that don't fit with the rest of your interests. And when you try to converse about them, your vague often misguided observations just make me seethe...
It's possible I'd like you for who you are, if I knew who that was. I want an independent man confident enough to be himself, one who compliments me, not a clone with an added penis.
I've met my share of your kind, and am flattered by the effort, but that kind of crap is how to be a fan, not a prospective boyfriend.

Comment here to submit a secret 3/26/08

I HATE you. I really do. I'm counting down the days until you move out.

I let you think I'm so into you but really I'm not. Don't get me wrong - I was.... Still am a little bit... But babe, you're so young and naive. Full of horomones. You want one thing and you think I'm going to give it to you. You don't even want to date me though. Why on earth would I want to do that if you don't respect me enough to be with me? I know that you really are a great guy and you're trying to live a good life but the way you act around me and the things you want to do don't really live up to that. I know that I don't help the situations, but you should learn to control yourself.

I pretend to come and check my email, when really I come just to see you.

I used to regret forgiving you.

Now that I've gotten away from you, I don't feel so bad about it any more. But I have no doubt that as soon as you decide to contact me again, I'll wish I hadn't just cut it off for good.

Even though I know the truth about you, and I know what kind of things you do, I can't help it. I'm in love with you.

I will never understand what happened or why you let it happen so fast. I'm sorry if you think I've been playing mind games, it's just been a struggle to regain clarity and stability in how I think about you...and the more time that passes the less I have either.

I also think that "things happen for a reason" is total bullshit and you believe it because you're afraid of the alternative.

i miss you

it hurts to think about you and about how i let you leave

Here's my secret:
I was abused. I was raped. I was hit.
He tried to take my life.
I cried every day for two years.
I live every day in fear of seeing this man again.
I can't even sleep because there he is, haunting my dreams.
I only let people think that my anti-depressant drugs are working.
That sweet little blonde girl you see laughing all over campus?
That's me.

the other times i've come here to post the picture hasn't been up yet.

probably because it was the middle of the night when no one else is awake but i'm sitting there too afraid of the dark to sleep or go anywhere.

I have the biggest crush on 4 out of 7 people in my suite. Let me tell you, being gay in a suite full of hot straight men is not easy!

Contribute to the Daily Pictures

If you have a photo you would like to submit for use as the daily picture, email it to uncchsecrets@gmail.com.

The only pictures that will definitely be considered are photographs taken on campus or around Chapel Hill which

• show no recognizable faces
  
• are of a reasonable size
  
• are inoffensive (Obviously, this is subjective. A good rule of thumb: submit what would deeply offend your dear old grandma but only make your parents mildly uncomfortable.)

For now, we will also consider non-photographic images that follow the above guidelines.

We look forward to hearing from you.

I'm sorry that I've cheated on you with two other guys.

I wish that I understood you more. I wish that you were more open and direct about your feelings with me. Sometimes I question whether or not you're using just to hook up and not feel guilty but the other times I feel like I'm the only one that matters.

It's taken me almost 2 years and dating three other guys, but I'm finally over you!

You don't have to let me love you, but I will still always try.

I may not be as strong as I think, but I'm stronger than you think.

I often get crushes on more than one person at once. It pulls me apart. What should I do?

Today would have been our anniversary, but instead of celebrating our love, I'm now forced to forget you.

The last time I texted you out of desperation and you refused to see me, I was really really drunk. I just wanted to tell you how much I regret knowing you exist.

sometimes i think i'm losing my mind. this is not a melodramatic my-ever-stressful-college-world-is-crashing-down kind of insanity; there are times i honestly think my grip on reality is slipping. i just feel like others can't possibly process things the way my mind does.

I told everyone it didn't bother me.

guess what?

it does. it fucking sucks, and every time they bring it up, I want to scream.

Comment here to submit a secret 3/25/2008

the rumors are true.
i love you.

I'm turned on by male basketball players but I'm not really that into basketball. Very unusual considering I'm a guy.

Do you remember the time you pulled me into an embrace when I was least expecting it? Could you feel how hard I was trying not to tremble? Did you notice how I blushed? You probably don't remember at all... but I will never forget.

You asked me how much blame I placed on you for my breakdown. I couldn't bring myself to say it then but looking back I should have told you that I would have been much happier had things stayed the way they were ...

I'm terrified of my best friend getting into grad school here because if he does, I'll have to go through another year of being in love with him. I'm terrified that if he doesn't get in, I'll be completely alone here.
He's the third person I've wished academic failure on as a quick and easy way to get them out of my life without having to blame myself.

I think you are a complete asshole for treating me the way you did and then acting like you had no idea. Don't sleep with someone more than once and then say, "I'm not sure." It isn't fair to me. You made me feel like a fool.

I told you I only wanted to be your friend, but you grew on me...My responsive smiles turned into grins of admiration. My laughs evolved into nervous flirtations.... But my pride is too big to ever let you know and I believe I missed my window with you.

Now I just have to find a way to keep my feelings secret, because everyone sees it but you.

They tell me that I should put myself on a pedestal and generally put myself first. In the end, I always feel that everyone is above me, should be placed before me, and should think nothing of me.

keep trying to prove to me that you're not worth the time, effort, and emotion i've invested in you. it's gonna work some day.

My premed roomie is always insinuating that my arts-related major is bullshit. I wish I had the guts to tell her that she'd better work in a lab, because her concept of human relations sucks. (But I sort of agree with her.)

Dude, I'm like so in love with this girl, but like, I don't even know if she also likes me.

Yep, I'm definitely a teenager. Definitely.

sometimes I walk down 5 flights of stairs in hopes that I may run into you...but if I do, I have nothing to say. I'm going to keep doing it anyway.

I didn't think you could be in love with two people, but I was. I was greedy and tried to have both in my world. Now I have lost one of my best friends and am in a relationship with someone I love but who doesn't trust me.

I don't put myself into romantic or intimate situations with boys because in the past, I haven't been mature enough to do anything more than giggle. Now I'm 20, and I'm kind of afraid I'll never move past that.

Comment here to submit a secret 3/24/2008

I have fallen in love with people through their words before, having never seen their faces sometimes. Ingenious conversational skills make my knees weak and captivates my mind.

You cheat at Scrabbulous (I've seen you while we watch tv).
It makes me sad that it is dishonest on both sides, but I can't stand to lose, even if I know you didn't do it on your own.
You might have ruined this game for me; I love you.