Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I cheated on you. It was that night you got mad at me. And two nights later, when you asked if I had cheated on you and I said no? I lied. That was the night I asked for a break. And then I went over and slept with him again. And that time, I spent the night.
I'll never tell you and I'll take it to the grave. It would hurt you too much to know the truth.
I'll never tell you and I'll take it to the grave. It would hurt you too much to know the truth.
I hate that we've lived together for an entire year almost, and I feel like you don't trust me, respect me, or even like me. I think we started as friends, but living with you feels like you're just this person that I see every now and then who, when her real friends are unavailable, then deigns to let me be a friend. This is an awful way to be
You knew all the right moves to make. You knew how to catch me off guard. You knew how to make me want you more. Your presence fills that place between dreams and reality. That place that’s there and not there. That place that I wish could somehow be materialized. That place that feels euphoric as it circulates. How did you turn me upside down?
Roommate:
Our room is not magically immune to the social standards that govern the rest of the world. Mature individuals are generally cordial and amicable, teasing one another occasionally, and only in an appropriate manner. Immature individuals, on the other hand, hack away at those closest to them, until only eroded fragments of a once healthy friendship remain. When you return from class, your inner asshole reveals itself. You find this behavior to be quite humorous. On rare occasions, your general negativity and utter lack of decency do make me laugh; even then, it is because the malicious nature of your comments is so over-the-top, I can't help it. Contrary to what you may think, you aren't blessing anyone with your presence here. I put up with your bullshit because I'm not a prick like you. Worst of all, you have a fake persona outside the room that makes everyone adore you. I know who you really are and I hate you for it.
Our room is not magically immune to the social standards that govern the rest of the world. Mature individuals are generally cordial and amicable, teasing one another occasionally, and only in an appropriate manner. Immature individuals, on the other hand, hack away at those closest to them, until only eroded fragments of a once healthy friendship remain. When you return from class, your inner asshole reveals itself. You find this behavior to be quite humorous. On rare occasions, your general negativity and utter lack of decency do make me laugh; even then, it is because the malicious nature of your comments is so over-the-top, I can't help it. Contrary to what you may think, you aren't blessing anyone with your presence here. I put up with your bullshit because I'm not a prick like you. Worst of all, you have a fake persona outside the room that makes everyone adore you. I know who you really are and I hate you for it.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
i never thought i'd be rationalizing having sex with a guy on a break with his girlfriend. is he lying? how do i trust him? because i put myself in her shoes and i wanna punch myself in the face.
and i blame him. i blame him for taking my naivety. i blame him for taking my motivation to actually study this week. i blame him for almost getting me pregnant.
i don't wanna see him again. but i do. no i don't.
but i really do..
and i blame him. i blame him for taking my naivety. i blame him for taking my motivation to actually study this week. i blame him for almost getting me pregnant.
i don't wanna see him again. but i do. no i don't.
but i really do..
Monday, April 28, 2008
I'm a guy with an eating disorder. And it may seem immature, but I blame my friends who jokingly called me fat all those years, as well as all the girls who wouldn't even consider talking to me.
Well now I'm thin and everyone's getting what they want -- except me. I keep telling myself that it's ok to start eating again, but I can always find an excuse not to.
Well now I'm thin and everyone's getting what they want -- except me. I keep telling myself that it's ok to start eating again, but I can always find an excuse not to.
i never really got any attention here for the first couple years i went here
lately i have, esecially when i go out. i know the guys are shallow (the ones hitting on me, at least) so i take pleasure on being a tease to them--they think they can get any girl they want and be an ass to any girl who they deem unworthy...well, not tonight at least!!
lately i have, esecially when i go out. i know the guys are shallow (the ones hitting on me, at least) so i take pleasure on being a tease to them--they think they can get any girl they want and be an ass to any girl who they deem unworthy...well, not tonight at least!!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
As much as I love Carolina in the spring and summer, I hate walking around on campus and seeing how every girl other than me looks like a perfect clone - perfect tans, size 2 sundresses, big sunglasses, blonde streaked hair, manicured toes, rainbow sandals...
It makes me feel so inadequate in my jeans and a t-shirt. Someone notice me too!
It makes me feel so inadequate in my jeans and a t-shirt. Someone notice me too!
Saturday, April 26, 2008
I hate it how people nonchalantly talk or joke about cancer. I hate hearing the word. I hate seeing stuff about Relay for Life. I hate how all these made-for-tv movies about overcoming the bump in the road that is cancer. It's not just something you triumph through. It's not pink ribbons you put on your backpack. It's seeing a parent hovered over the toilet for weeks at a time. Watching the people you love most become vulnerable.
But I could never say this to anyone because it sounds like I'm a bitch. So I put up listening to all the commercials and fundraiser announcements, when all I want to do is forget.
But I could never say this to anyone because it sounds like I'm a bitch. So I put up listening to all the commercials and fundraiser announcements, when all I want to do is forget.
You know how you've been nasty to me since the day you started dating him? Getting all snarky and acting like you're better than me, because you snagged the guy I wanted.
Guess what: he's been sleeping with me for the past year, months before he even met you. And you two have been dating since fall and haven't done more than kiss. You say it's because he recognizes what a respectable and decent woman you are. Really, it's because he finds you repulsive. But you're rich and eager to support his hobbies, so he'll play along for now. Guess what, I WIN.
Guess what: he's been sleeping with me for the past year, months before he even met you. And you two have been dating since fall and haven't done more than kiss. You say it's because he recognizes what a respectable and decent woman you are. Really, it's because he finds you repulsive. But you're rich and eager to support his hobbies, so he'll play along for now. Guess what, I WIN.
The day you broke up with me, I was diagnosed with lymphoma. I didn't tell you, because even though I love you, and I want nothing more than to have you by my side, seeing me through chemo...I know you'd be doing it out of pity, and not love. I want you to come back of your own accord, because you love me...before it's too late. Please hurry.
Friday, April 25, 2008
You told me you were clinically depressed, and that I was the only person you trust. That was your secret; here's mine.
When you called to tell me this, I thought you were crying because you had found out I'm cheating on you again.
I keep hurting you deliberately. I'm so sorry. I love you. I don't know why I do it either.
When you called to tell me this, I thought you were crying because you had found out I'm cheating on you again.
I keep hurting you deliberately. I'm so sorry. I love you. I don't know why I do it either.
It had been so long since I'd found a girl that excited me. Dating became boring real quick, I was interested in anyone I met, but kept looking because I knew I could be happy, in love, again. Now all I have to do is slow myself down, so that we become infatuated with each other. I found the ultimate gem!
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me. But I'm afraid to tell her that I'm the heir to a multi-million dollar company.I don't want to tell her because I don't want the money to change things. But I don't think I can ask her to marry me without telling her.
Happy honeymoon. Did I mention I'm loaded?
Happy honeymoon. Did I mention I'm loaded?
dear boy
I don't know you...but I seem to run into you everywhere, not just in our class together. What are you thinking about when we lock eyes in class? It is like a staring contest that I never win. People always tell me that I blush to easily. It saddens me that I will never know, but what is even more sad is that I never worked up the courage to ask your name.
--philosophically challenged
I don't know you...but I seem to run into you everywhere, not just in our class together. What are you thinking about when we lock eyes in class? It is like a staring contest that I never win. People always tell me that I blush to easily. It saddens me that I will never know, but what is even more sad is that I never worked up the courage to ask your name.
--philosophically challenged
i just graduated and didnt have the best experience...it was tough and still is...i didn't know who i was (still don't), i hung out with the wrong people- bad influences...i got fucked up all the time, didnt join any service groups, now i work a job that i'm not sure i like, and i'm still fucking up
Thursday, April 24, 2008
All my friends are worried about the direction my life is going. I live from pay check to pay check, I'm failing all of my classes, and I have no plans for my future. They want me to be like them... I'm not... I'm happy... Unlike you! I lay in the grass and stare at the clouds, run in the rain and jump in puddles, walk down the beach and watch the sunset. I'm enjoying my life and we both know you can't say the same. My success is measured in happiness, not in dollar bills. Who should be worried about who?
I've invested so much more in this relationship mentally than any other relationship I've been in - and I'm starting to lose interest and get bored...But I'm holding on so tight, not only because I don't want to hurt him like I've hurt so many people in the past, but also because this time I don't have anyone else to run to.
I hate knowing that I'm a heart breaker. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to be happy in a lasting relationship. But I'm not happy without a relationship either...I wish I knew how to break the pattern.
I hate knowing that I'm a heart breaker. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to be happy in a lasting relationship. But I'm not happy without a relationship either...I wish I knew how to break the pattern.
i came to college to grow up.
i learned how to lie better, then got reckless.
i learned how to cheat more, then fucked up.
i am late all the time, a big old 'fuck you' to the people around me.
i am not financially responsible.
i am not hardworking.
i pursue my own immediate satisfaction over what's good for me every single time.
i'm not stupid, but i'm so fucking foolish.
what's going to happen to me?
i learned how to lie better, then got reckless.
i learned how to cheat more, then fucked up.
i am late all the time, a big old 'fuck you' to the people around me.
i am not financially responsible.
i am not hardworking.
i pursue my own immediate satisfaction over what's good for me every single time.
i'm not stupid, but i'm so fucking foolish.
what's going to happen to me?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Links
UNC Counseling and Wellness Services
(surprisingly helpful)
PostSecret
(the inspiration)
The NCSU Secrets Project
(our first sister site)
If you have suggestions for links that should be included, post them here.
We look forward to hearing from you.
The Moderators
(surprisingly helpful)
PostSecret
(the inspiration)
The NCSU Secrets Project
(our first sister site)
If you have suggestions for links that should be included, post them here.
We look forward to hearing from you.
The Moderators
I am absolutely terrified of life after college. I feel as if I have done nothing over the past 3 years to help ensure me getting into grad school even though I've worked my ass off in my classes and have been very involved with a couple organizations. Next year I'm going to be even more involved and do even more things. I just hope it will be enough. If I don't go to grad school I can just kiss any future I dreamed of goodbye....
i hate that i love you so much. and im really scared for our future. you have yours all planned out, and i have no clue what im doing. i think this means that someday you will move on and leave me behind. that hurts me a lot.
you're in front of me right now and i dont feel like looking you in the eyes becuase i think i might cry. why couldnt we have met like 5+ years from now!?!
you're in front of me right now and i dont feel like looking you in the eyes becuase i think i might cry. why couldnt we have met like 5+ years from now!?!
You have really hurt my feelings the past week, but I can never tell you because you'll blame it on me being emotional. I wish you were nicer to me, but most of all, I wish what you did to me didn't make a difference to me. I hope someday you'll be nicer. I don't know if you think it's funny or what, but you have really hurt my feelings. Please stop.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I am certain that I have severe depression. I have points where I can't sleep then I oversleep. Nothing interests me anymore. I'm suicidal sometimes. I avoid going out. Everything seems hopeless. I'm failing my classes.
I don't get medication for two major reasons. I don't have any insurance and I think the side effects will make the situation just as bad.
I don't get medication for two major reasons. I don't have any insurance and I think the side effects will make the situation just as bad.
I've fallen for you, and you'll never know.
All those times we touched and you thought nothing about it, well, it gave me a glimmer of hope.
Iloveyou. The way you look. The way you touch. The way you hug me.
Life is not fair, I want you. I want to be with you.
I know you aren't gay, and that is what makes things so complicated.
All those times we touched and you thought nothing about it, well, it gave me a glimmer of hope.
Iloveyou. The way you look. The way you touch. The way you hug me.
Life is not fair, I want you. I want to be with you.
I know you aren't gay, and that is what makes things so complicated.
Monday, April 21, 2008
My dad cheated on my mom with a woman 20+ years younger than him and they were married for 32 years. I am so angry and I have so much hate that I just don't know what to do. My sister and brother have talked to him since it happened in August but I just can't I don't want to see him. I don't even like thinking about him anymore. My mom deserved better than that.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What is this project?
This project is the brainchild of a UNC-Chapel Hill student, run by multiple students. Its purpose is outlined here.
2. What is the point of this project?
I said, its purpose is outlined here.
3. Why are the moderators anonymous?
We thought it would make people uncomfortable to put a name or face with exactly who is reading their secrets. It's fairly easy to figure out who we are, and we'll certainly own up to it if you ask us in person, but we try to keep everything on the blog itself as anonymous as possible.
4. How did you come up with the idea?
The original idea came into being while a student was looking at PostSecret (to which we most humbly give credit and applause). A recently increased awareness of UNC-Chapel Hill as a community prompted her to wonder how the model of PostSecret might work if scaled down to the community level. After she was introduced to a certain college gossip website, she created the UNC-CH Secrets Project 2008 as a place where people could share only their own secrets, be totally anonymous, and expect not to be judged.
5. How do I post a secret?
See How It Works.
6. I submitted my secret a week ago and you haven't put it up. What gives?
Perhaps we were just out of town, or in the middle of midterms, or having a beer with Roy. If you suspect that was not the case, it is possible we rejected your secret. Before you re-submit/track us down with bloodhounds, you should ask yourself a few questions.
7. But the guy who posted at 11:34pm last Saturday's secret doesn't look like it follows those guidelines. No fair!
This blog really and truly is a work in progress. As we see what works and what doesn't, we change guidelines to make the final collection as close in format to our vision as possible. It's likely that the secret was submitted before we made up that rule about never using the letter W in a post, or that it just slipped by us.
8. How do I submit a comment?
There is a Comment link below each post. We review these too, so it may take some time for your comment to appear below the secret.
9. I posted a comment a week ago and you haven't put it up. The hell?
Again, a few questions.
10. But I see comments on other posts that don't follow those guidelines. You are deceptive, unjust, and ill-dressed!
Again, the guidelines for the project have evolved over time, so what is accepted now may be different from what was accepted before. Secondly, the Moderators are human, and things may slip through their notice. Thirdly, the selection process is somewhat subjective, it is true. We may choose to post that which is in the spirit, if not the letter, of the law, and vice versa. Lastly, it's laundry day -- so sue us.
11. Why don't you update more regularly?
Our lives are just as busy as yours, this is a side project, and we update as often as we can, Scout's honor.
This project is the brainchild of a UNC-Chapel Hill student, run by multiple students. Its purpose is outlined here.
2. What is the point of this project?
I said, its purpose is outlined here.
3. Why are the moderators anonymous?
We thought it would make people uncomfortable to put a name or face with exactly who is reading their secrets. It's fairly easy to figure out who we are, and we'll certainly own up to it if you ask us in person, but we try to keep everything on the blog itself as anonymous as possible.
4. How did you come up with the idea?
The original idea came into being while a student was looking at PostSecret (to which we most humbly give credit and applause). A recently increased awareness of UNC-Chapel Hill as a community prompted her to wonder how the model of PostSecret might work if scaled down to the community level. After she was introduced to a certain college gossip website, she created the UNC-CH Secrets Project 2008 as a place where people could share only their own secrets, be totally anonymous, and expect not to be judged.
5. How do I post a secret?
See How It Works.
6. I submitted my secret a week ago and you haven't put it up. What gives?
Perhaps we were just out of town, or in the middle of midterms, or having a beer with Roy. If you suspect that was not the case, it is possible we rejected your secret. Before you re-submit/track us down with bloodhounds, you should ask yourself a few questions.
- Was it really a secret? You'd be surprised how many non-secrets we get.
- Was it anonymous?
- Was it longer than a few lines?
- Was it soliciting advice? While we wish you the best of luck with whatever your issue may be, that's not what this site is for.
7. But the guy who posted at 11:34pm last Saturday's secret doesn't look like it follows those guidelines. No fair!
This blog really and truly is a work in progress. As we see what works and what doesn't, we change guidelines to make the final collection as close in format to our vision as possible. It's likely that the secret was submitted before we made up that rule about never using the letter W in a post, or that it just slipped by us.
8. How do I submit a comment?
There is a Comment link below each post. We review these too, so it may take some time for your comment to appear below the secret.
9. I posted a comment a week ago and you haven't put it up. The hell?
Again, a few questions.
- Was your comment negative or judgmental toward the poster of the secret?
- Was it actually about the posted secret?
- Did you offer unsolicited advice?
- Were you engaging in a discussion with other posters? While we're so pleased that the project is prompting discussion, we'd like to keep the focus of the site as simple and straightforward as possible; we hope you opt to talk about the secrets offline instead.
10. But I see comments on other posts that don't follow those guidelines. You are deceptive, unjust, and ill-dressed!
Again, the guidelines for the project have evolved over time, so what is accepted now may be different from what was accepted before. Secondly, the Moderators are human, and things may slip through their notice. Thirdly, the selection process is somewhat subjective, it is true. We may choose to post that which is in the spirit, if not the letter, of the law, and vice versa. Lastly, it's laundry day -- so sue us.
11. Why don't you update more regularly?
Our lives are just as busy as yours, this is a side project, and we update as often as we can, Scout's honor.
Both times, when we almost had sex, I didn't go soft right beforehand because I had just masturbated, or any other excuse I gave you, but because I felt sick at the thought of you being my first.
That was when I knew I had to break up with you, and I'm sorry it happened that way.
But I'm not sorry that we didn't have sex.
That was when I knew I had to break up with you, and I'm sorry it happened that way.
But I'm not sorry that we didn't have sex.
I haven't gone to bed sober since December 1, 2007 because my boyfriend broke up with me.
I thought I was going to marry this man. He moved away, broke up with me over the phone and said we weren't allowed to talk.
Now, I think about it daily -- even 4.5 months later. What is wrong with me? How do I get closure?
I thought I was going to marry this man. He moved away, broke up with me over the phone and said we weren't allowed to talk.
Now, I think about it daily -- even 4.5 months later. What is wrong with me? How do I get closure?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
I've been told that I'm a beautiful, intelligent, loving, Christian girl, but I've never had a boyfriend. I'm not saying that my life will begin or I'll have worth when I do get one. I just want to know what it's like to be cherished, held, and loved by a guy.
I play it off like it doesn't bug me so much, but it really gets to me.
I play it off like it doesn't bug me so much, but it really gets to me.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
I have so many reasons to be mad at you. You dumped me, and now you seem to be distancing yourself even after you said you wanted to be such good friends. If I could just focus on those bad things, this would go so much easier for me. but instead, all i think about is how great this could have been, and how i could have made you so happy. but you had to go and analyze too much, and now we both missed out on something that could have been so amazing...
I am teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown with all the work piling on top of me right now. No matter how much work I do things keep on building up. I need a break. I would be looking forward to summer break but I'm doing summer school at UNC. I'm trying to keep a smile on my face but at this point I wouldn't mind a bit if a bus hit me on South Road.
I have Asperger's Syndrome (diagnosed) and haven't told anyone here. I can't. I was "out" in high school and hated getting treated differently.
It hurts to see people with friends everywhere and to know I don't have any, or to see couples and know I'll never be part of one. I just can't sustain conversations or make people like me, and I probably never will.
It hurts to see people with friends everywhere and to know I don't have any, or to see couples and know I'll never be part of one. I just can't sustain conversations or make people like me, and I probably never will.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
It's been months since I broke up with my boyfriend and I've found someone else in that time. But now he seems to be getting really close to a new girl, and it's just now hitting me how much this is going to hurt after all we shared. I feel like a fool, but yet I'm still completely confident and assured that I made the right decision in breaking up with him.
I never graduated from UNC. But literally everyone I know (including my employer) thinks I did. I somehow conned my way into graduation ceremonies(including departmental graduation), took all the pictures, and went through all the pageantry, but have no diploma.
Now I can't leave a job that I hate, because I'm worried if I apply for another one the secret will get out.
Now I can't leave a job that I hate, because I'm worried if I apply for another one the secret will get out.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
My two best friends are people that I am in love with but can't date. One isn't single and I just know the other couldn't think of me that way. It is both a blessing and a curse - I have the people I admire the most at my side, but I tortured daily because I see the people I am in love with but know nothing will come of it.
I have a crush on my best friend and she doesn't like me in that way. She doesn't know that I am attracted to her because I'm afraid that if I tell her, she will never hang out with me again Now she's with someone. It gets way worse.... he's a douche bag. He is such a douche bag that he could be used to clear out Rosie O'Donnell's vagina. Sure I may be biased, but he IS so full of himself. If he were a nice guy, I would be sad, but I wouldn't be angry.
This sucks so much. I am either going to end up without a friend, or having to deal with this asshole and all the praise I hear about his greatness.
[...] I'm miserable.
This sucks so much. I am either going to end up without a friend, or having to deal with this asshole and all the praise I hear about his greatness.
[...] I'm miserable.
Why does everything have to involve Eve? I understand how we can't ignore it but it's still upsetting to see her name in the DTH and everything associated with her death. I don't want us to forget, I just don't think it should be a focus for everything. It's hard enough as it is without constant reminders.
I wish I had a plan, any plan, as to what I'm going to do with myself after this semester. I'm not even a senior, I'm a sophomore. But I'm having to leave here because I'm not good enough academically and I guess I never will be. Now I can't even get into community colleges because so many deadlines have passed. I hate having wasted my parents money going here, and I hate the feeling that I've disappointed them even more. Why didn't I just stay home and find another path to my dreams?
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
You are the best person I've ever met. When I'm with you I feel like my world is complete. There's no where else I'd rather be. When we're apart I feel like something is missing from my life. You're my best friend and you make me better. I wish I could tell you this in person. I know you don't feel the same but every night before bed I make a wish that one day you will.
Monday, April 14, 2008
I thought people made life-long friends in college. I've been here for years and I still don't consider anyone I've met here a true friend.
I thought I had a circle that I could trust, but I realized I couldn't after an incident last year. I guess asking for loyalty and acceptance is too much these days.
I thought I had a circle that I could trust, but I realized I couldn't after an incident last year. I guess asking for loyalty and acceptance is too much these days.
Your Thoughts on the UNC-CH Secrets Project 2008
We've been getting some comments about the blog itself that we'd love to share, but they don't count as secrets proper. This post is set up so you can offer comments or suggestions regarding this project and the direction in which you'd like to see it move. As always, you can also contact us at uncchsecrets@gmail.com with your ideas.
We look forward to hearing from you.
The Moderators
We look forward to hearing from you.
The Moderators
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
I prefer to be on top, not only because it feels better, but because his stomach doesn't stick out as much. I want to tell him to start working out and caring more about his body, but I don't want to hurt his feelings or make it seem that I'm being shallow. But honestly, it's going to ruin our sex life if he doesn't start...
i can't STAND my roommate anymore. the pigsty that is our room, people refusing to clean anything and take trash out, it's disgusting. not to mention the friends that are ALWAYS here. but we somehow still do that sweet, 'pretend-to-like-each-other' thing.
i'm not sure i can make it last these last few weeks!
i'm not sure i can make it last these last few weeks!
think I pretty much failed my first semester, but I don't have the nerve to tell my parents the truth. And every time I have to ask them for money for food, I feel even more guilty because I don't think I earned anything from them. What hurts most is knowing I failed myself, because in my mind, failure is never an option, punishable by death (unless you are a coward, like me, then it's just excessive brooding...)
Friday, April 11, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
I still think I see you on campus even though I know that you are not coming back. I see your car, I see you on campus, yet I realize that it is not you. Losing you left a major void in my life and I guess that only time can heal wounds. I stay strong in front of others, but sometimes I just cry and I cannot stop crying.
I think about my weight a lot...it's ridiculous how much I compare myself to other people.. I want to be perfect, to have that great body and be in shape..to lose those 10 pounds I've carried for a few years now. I hate myself, I'm self-destructive..and I over-eat.
Why do I want to defeat myself in terms of food?
Why do I want to defeat myself in terms of food?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The thing I want most in the world is a complete do-over on my entire life. I can't shake the feeling that it's too late...for everything.
Sometimes it consumes my thoughts so intensely and for so long I miss out on what I'm supposed to be doing now. And that makes me wish I could go back even more. It's a vicious cycle I can't escape.
Sometimes it consumes my thoughts so intensely and for so long I miss out on what I'm supposed to be doing now. And that makes me wish I could go back even more. It's a vicious cycle I can't escape.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
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